Dear bloggers,
I have been married for over 7 years and we have two children but my husband is in the habit of beating me for no reason at all. I want to end this madness but I don’t know how.
We are both graduates and honestly I did not expect such from him. As a result I have been carrying this anger in me for a long time at times at night I feel like getting anything to hit him hard.
Please advise,I would like to know how others have handled such brutality from their spouses.
yours
Leigh (not real name)
I feel sorry for you are you in that marriage for love or what honestly I cant imagine being beaten everyday by someone who loves me its not posible do somthing before its too laite
Very sad indeed!! Did you marry in Church or have you considered counsel from Church members? What do the other family members say? Please pray hard and the hunger you are holding might lead to bad things, even death.
Good Afternoon Leigh,
Wife battery is not a peccadillo. My advice is you need to report him to the police if you wish to see longer days. Maybe he will change his cruel attitude after taking some beatings from fellow men in prison.
should read ‘Anger’ and not ‘hunger’
You know, it takes two to tangle. Women always claim to be victims when in actual fact annoy the husband emotionally. There is something you re doing that is triggering that kind of response. Pride, stubbornness, lack of respect, abusive language,flirting (which husband cannot prove but you do it anyway) etc. can cause such reaction. However i dont condone beating a spouse, get counselling. =((=((
No wonder he beats you. You are not wise. How can you ask bloggers for advice. Is this the place to solve your marital problems. He will beat you up again once he reads this public media.
Go seek counsel from elderly people in ypur families – you must have parents, grandparents, uncles, elderly aunties and cousins etc. You can also ask Christians or any bible believing church to help you two.
If all fails, report the matter to the police or go on separation or divorce. But this must only be a last resort, having unrecocilable differences.
Hope this helps.
Leigh, You sound like you want sympathy from bloggers over your one-sided story, possibly you are the cause of the problems. I’m sure your husband’s version will be totally different. If you are serious about help the best you should do is to see your in-laws with your husband.
i wish i can meet u and tok,i was in the same but am nw free.we ladies are bin treated like we do not have feeling.last year was a bad year 4 me and this year i tod myself i want to b happy and i know with God i wil b.one thing u shud know is that u are nt alone goin thru dat.u shud let dat anger go of yo heart and pls make yoself happy and keep yo self busy,be there 4 the kids.i wil b praying 4 u.keep strong and dot do silly things God is watching u.i wil stand with u.dat man God wil deal with him.
This is a hard one! Unfortunately Zambian culture tolerates such kind of abuse and women are not liberated. Also there is no open communication between most couples and people tend to stick to the old way of doing things and pretend everything is OK. Personally I would advise you to leave this man as he has some self esteem problems. Given that this is a difficult option in Zambia as divorce is not a norm, I would encourage you to establish better communication with your husband where there are no taboo topics or things that you fear to discuss. You need to be assertive and tell your husband what you need from him. It is not enough to start behaving funny like most women do that side and then expect him to guess what it is you need. Lack of communication and mistrust are underlying cozez:)
John well said,in most cases people want to rush at condemning hubbys for beating their partners without looking at the source of the problem.Can you imagine that a lady agrees to marry you then later she starts flirting around sometimes with other men just to proove that she pull a fast one. assuming that is kind of a problem triggering the fight can you surely blame the man?Sometimes not all the time these ladies(Note here ;not all ladies with due respect to well behaved Ladies) would even start flirtting with your friends out of I don t know What. I’m soory leigh I think that you haven t shed more light in this issue. There is no man who can just start beating someone for what?tell us the Truth, Nothing but the truth. I think that u once let this Man down and it has not come out of…
Get into politics and stand for presidence since both of you graduates.:).
If you are serioug read the Bible both of you.
(Collosians 3 :18-19)Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.
woman how do you bring bedroom matters in public, dont you have elders where you come from?
Get into politics and stand for presidence since both of you are graduates..
If you are serioug read the Bible both of you.
(Collosians 3 :18-19)Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.
is it true that graduates make bad wives? My simple advise to u is run whist u can.
Bloggers whether she is the causer of the “troubles” in marriage the man has no right to beat her up. Communication is the key, most men who beat their wives they must have seen their mothers being beaten by their husband so the kids think its ok to beat a wife. I cannot imagine a graduate behaving like a Kaponya. Even the kaponya won’t beat their so called Madam wa Kunyumba. I think Police is the best solution.
Better do something before we hear another 30 cm long knife has been found in a woman’s v….. like what we read in the recent papers!
#6 you suprise me, how can you have given such good counsel and yet you are a blogger? What I think is that this person may not be telling the truth, why not just pack up and go or report him to relevant authorities. Sad for ba graduate without manners and who sticks in an abusive marriege if this is true.
1. This sounds like a cooked up story.
2. Even if it is not cooked, you should have told us at leat one of the reason why he bits you. You may think it is not good enough when it is.
3. Connected to 2, before you change me, look at yourself and work on those things that make him angry
uhmmmm, try aunt edith in the post newspaper this might be a wrong forum.
Young lady:-w, In a “proper marriage set-up”, what you have done is wrong! You never[-x, and i mean never discuss such issues pa banthu! Ni Khani ya muchipinda iyi nawe. Am so sorry, but to me , you are the problem. There is no way[-x, a man will just start battering you from no where. There is something you are doing to upset him. And its most likely:-@ or:-c with friends and neighbours…as can be evidenced here. But if you are really aggrieved, Just walk away and leave the chap.Your life is more precious than ntwenu.
I find it hard that he batters you for no reason because there is almost always a reason ie maybe you dont cook as much, you go to bed late, at times it could be sex problems in marriege it could be a number of reasons.
So anyway i feel sorry for you but such situation can only be concluded by the both of you talking about what might be the cause of the problem in the relationship.
A third person can help but could also add to the anger that you both have so at the end of the day try to find what the problem is then seek help if its something the 2 of you can work out alone atleast then you are both agreed.
I wonder how a woman in her right senses would consult on what she needs to do with her husband through the media. I feel you are just trying to attract comments from readers. You will either be murdered or become a murderer. if you are really battered and you a proud ”graduate” get away. if you are in the marriage for material gain, you will not live to enjoy the materials as you are liked to be murdered or murder your husband and spend the rest of your life in jail. THIS IS NOT A REAL STORY,YOU ARE MOST LIKELY AN EXAMINER WHO PREPARES SCENARIO/CASE STUDY EXAMS, so find something to do.
Love does not harm.Sit your hubby down and let him understand that he needs to get his act together or you’ll have him arrested the next time he does that.You see, many a time you woman allow as men to walk all over you but that is not supposed to be the case for we are both created in God’s image fearfully and wonderfully so.If you still have fresh bruses from same beatings please have him locked up so he can learn a thing or two otherwise your children might grow up thinking its normal for husbands to mistreat there wivies and they may end up being the next victims.Above all kneel down and pray to God for strength during this trying moments so he can open your spiritual eyes as you decide what to do.
Is your hubby mad?. Do you think he needs medical help?. It is unfortunate you haven’t disclosed why he behaves like that. You women are usually a problem and don’t appreciate what men do for you. I strongly believe you are the main problem and that is why he beats you up. When you say that you always feel like hitting him when you look at him it implies that you do not love your man. Your heart is full of hate. You are a very wrong person for him and you do not deserve him. It is better for him to open up his eyes and see the real you. If found wanting, he should leave you for someone better. That is the treatment women like you need and not sympathy.
Guys true story or not there are actually people that experience such sometimes even uncles get involved what do you expect when the law only will act where there is physical harm. Women suffer at the hands of there husbands and relatives simply because they are women am afraid to say sometimes the women dont help the situation when they keep trying to control everything, The more you try the more you are hated by the family.
When such issues are raised at the police they tell you we dont want to arrest him they you change your mind ati just go back to your husband, in other cases if you are married to a well off family you could even get sidelined in decision making.
Anyways women need our support but for starters you should realise that if you r not there 4 huby sum1 will
…And once again, it’s the man’s fault:-??! Spare us for once.
He beats you for no reason at all! No ways. There must be a reason! Even a stupid one. Maybe you are hiding the reason.
i feel for you though the answer lies within you. We can give all the advise but so long people say what you dont want to hear, you will still stick to your husband.Now Listen,Many women in our country today have similer problems but i must appreciate your courage. Seven years is a long time and i believe you paseviered hoping this man will change but to no avail. look, He is not your twin brother, so dont waste more of your time, he definately can,t see any good in you. life is too short. Accept you have tried your best and failed to please him. your happiness isnt dependant on another person but yourself.
Men who beat up women have self esteem issues. I was once in an abusive marriage kanshi my body was ever in bruises, one day after trying all that I could think of I just decided to leave. I am still living and belive me Leigh I have never being happier!!
Theres always two sides to an a-s-s whooping so before I make any judgements i would rather hear from your husband. Women have a pathological tendacy of playing victim and changing facts to suite their own agenda. I was once caught up in such a conundrum where my ex actually jumped on me to fight me I instinctively pushed her away. When she ran to her friends the story changed to Slumdog just came and kwempad me for no damn reason and he is a woman beater.
Try Running for President! Graduate, degree…what more do you need mama?:-w
# 16 Woman of Substance. Thanks.
The writer should also tell us how they married. Did they meet in a Tarven, then went home together without families being involved? Why then hasn’t she 1st brought in the 2 families to help resolve the issue. How people married has a huge bearing on what respect they have for each other.
I have seen marriages where you wake up only to find a woman sweeping the yard of your neighbour. When you ask teh neighbour, he says she is his new wife – since when? Last night!!
On the other hand I had a cousin who used to beat his wife whenever he went home drunk. Some men are animals. But we also know of women who are a pain in the arse!!
These things have nothing to do with academic degrees.
Melody you are a pretender and women like yourself are full of stupid pride. As long as it goes no one will respect you and forever you shall be refered to as a bad and totally indisciplined person who failed to manage her marriage. The happiness you are referring to is the freedom to hook up with whoever presents himself to you and attending beer parties and coming home late. That type of life belongs to the ancient time and people.
Does he make love with you? If he does ask him while he is inside why he beats you. He is foolish you can not beat somebody you enjoy sex with. People that have reached University level do not beat their spouses
Nine Chale and Ba Moze, you make me feel like tuli pa nsaka elo tuleumfwa amafunde from
the elders. This is real life. Some men are more of an animal than a husband. Good day and God bless you.
whatever reasons the two of you have,get back to God as you started the two of you.seek for counselling from elders or the church and you will see were the problem is coming from.however,if it persits then divorce as it could that you were not meant for each other.beating is not allowed as it shows how coward someone is.a woman was created to be loved.
The problem between and your husband is lack of understanding each other. Since your are both graduates you have not accepted that he is the head of house. No matter how highly your paid or whatever position you hold and once you agree to enter into marriage respect each other in your acts. Wife battering is bad but some women always ask for it. The way some women answer their men in public as if they are talking to their children. For your case madam not even the church can sort it but yoursleves by accepting each other. One wonders how you even manage to have children and keep fighting day in day out.Feel like hiting your man for what? You have a problem and you were not ready for marriage.
I dont why you came to get counsel from this blog. A lot of guys here dont believe in equality and will blame you the victim for what you are going through. Whatever it is that you do or alleged to be doing you should not stay in a relationship where somebody beats you up period. Seems to me like your man has self esteem issues and for the sake of your kids whether they are boys or girls you need to get out now. The boy will grow up thinking it is ok to beat women up and the girl will grow up thinking it is ok to be beaten up and so their goes another generation.
So, when someone is asking what do it, we can not help her? even if that is not true, but am sure some one wo where is in that position, so let us help her, she will get so sense out of what we are going to tell her. But it is up to her to decide what next. Let us not judge her, even the media can help please. Tomorrow we might find ourselves in the same position. # 6 do not judge her
Marriage is god`s arrangement so we must endevour to hold it in high esteem it does not plis jehova seeing couples living in a bad way. your revelations speaks for itself that you have allowed the devil satan to come your midist by wanting to harm your partner at night who happen to be sleeping. Turn away from evil and start cultivating a good relationship with your husband and your god the grand instructor.Mind you we are living in last days hard to deal with. all the happenings on earth have been fore told and that indicates that satan`s rulership is about to crash and god is about to deliver judgement. so make amends with your husband and live a godly life.
Mukolwe, you are a pretender and I believe single and that is why you don’t understand. How many men or girl friends do you have in your life?. To me you sound like a freelancer; the I don’t care type with no responsibilities.
he beats you coz you dont do what he wants. You are too proud about yourself and what you have achieved i guess. do what he wants he will stop beating you. Give in and then correct him when you see he has charged
Kill him … Nd ask God for forgiveness, No matter what … i will never beat up my wife. Divorce him my dear, these a better husband 4 u out side yo marriage… his unless. u need 2 enjoy life also. Send me his number: or call me on 00447534258806. furthermore, am 100% sure his got a girlfriend, get a boyfriend who lov’s u also.:”>:”>:”>
# 39 leave the devil alone and concentrate on giving advice frm a realistic point of view. this has nothing to do with the last days and the devil’s ruin. its simply the misconception of women thinking they are equal with men hence getting the a-s-s whooping. the man is the head of the house says the bible. its that simple. you sound SDA
Sad my dear keep praying. However as other bloggers have said there is something you are not telling us that might be causing this.
Senior Citizen and Veteran how come you cant give counselling to this lady?
Your husband might be crazy if he beats you up for no apparent reason,otherwise your story holds no substance. Maybe introduce him to Don King and that Don can organise a fight between your husband and Easter. Otherwise there might be something you do that gets the man on his nerves. Open up if you need help.
iwe ka leigh! his you husband. nga akuma, ni love, wawumfwa? nga akuma, kumu pela nthwenu after wards. eh chupo icho wawumfwa. elo vatila ati rough nthwenu. deuces mune:)>-
Abena Senior Citizen and Capitalist are too busy gleaning the Oxford Concise Dictionary for bombastic words to care about wife battery. They don’t see the big deal in wife battery since they probably beat their wives twice a day; before and after a blog shift.
ka slum dog nalikutemwa iwe! the day nikaku nthwenuna awe it will be something. deuces ka eet sum more biscuit iwe. mwaah.:)>-
chi mufilika echo nawupile some years back chali kuni boxer. she used to beat me. ended marriage and after that nsha lalapo or datinga umfilika. umwanakashi umusungu awe ni prize possession. avafilika teti! nalibapata sana
iye forgot to add… deuces bane:)>-
There must be a reason why he beats you and the answer can be found in you. My advice is if you have been to see elders, relatives, church and nothing changed, treat him like one of the devils. take him to VSU and sue him. If you think he is adicted divorce him why should suffer for nothing? You have got a life live mamma.
Irrespective of the story being one sided,i still find wife batterers to be mentally unstable! I know it’s really hard when there are kids involved in a relationship but if the author of this story was my daughter i would advise that she leaves the man immediately.It’s not worth it hanging on for the sake of the children or because of love,you may not be lucky next time,the body is complex even a mere slap can cause death so you might not wake up one day to tell the world that your husband abuses you so report him to the Police,his parents or ‘bashibukombe’ & leave him right now before it’s too late!
# 52 Jigga.
I wonder if they married in a way where they had a bash bukombe. Why would she come to bloggers?
They say most battered wmone fail to leave their animal husbands for economical reasons. If she is a graduate indeed, she should be able to be economically independent. She could be a medical doctor. LOL.
# 38 Pee. We are not judging her per se. Any properly married person in our Zambian community knows that a couple’s marriage is witnessed and supported by relatives and often a church community. So this woman should have talked to elders in her and husband’s families, the shibukombe, or the chucrh before coming to bloggers. Just look at comments above, some are from single people. A wise wife cant just go to any Jim & Jack for marital counsel. That’s foolishness.
Bring him to the UK my fellow woman, it will just take a minute call and the police is home to pick/ lock him up overnight. whether you volunteer to be a witness or not, the law will teach him a lesson. You can even divorce him later with the support system, you would make it mwana. Here ba neighbour is mind your business whether single, married or divorced. No pressure that you not or no more married especially to a wife basher. Beside as a graduate you can come to the UK under the Highly skilled Manpower scheme if you qualify.
Too bad, find the way out, you are graduate and hope that you are employed.
Am really saddened by the first couple of comments. I cant believe we still have people thinking that a woman is the cause of her husband beatings SMH!
Anyhow, i think u should divorce the guy. He has no right to put a finger on you whether u have upset him or not. Life is too precious and short. Why stay in a marriage where u are being beaten on a daily basis. You say you are a graduate, I pray you have a job too. Believe in God, you can take care of your kids without him. it has been done before and you can do it. It may seem impossible right now but you will get through it.
I think there are NGO’s around lusaka that help women in such situations. Try and find one. God Bless.
hi
I am sorry but I dont understand. Someone beats you and you are here asking on what to do! I am shocked and you call yrself a graduate. Graduate! my foot! Get a divorce and stop sleeping, you! What is wrong with you. That animal will kill you. TODAY I ORDER TO PACK YR CLOTHES AND LEAVE NOW. I know you think you cant manage without him, dear God will see you thru. You are a graduate for Gods sake. Stop being funny and wake up. Are you so much in love with him that yr eyes have closed. No no dear wake up. with love
#54 you have left me in stitches!! Made my day-keep blogging.
wat an *****…shes askin an answer….instead of a question…..
lusakatimes…lol..even i.d.i.o.t…is censored..you should listen to the profanity of zambian adolescence..
Ba#58 mwalishiba pa UK pachabe. The rights of the women without prejudice and stigmatization works only here without being interpreted as being disobedient, disrespectiful, and stubborn. Kwena here even the once well known big bosses pamabondi have been humbled. Pa Zed too much ukupapatila, even when you need good sex from your man, not a one sided satisfaction.
Another solution is to join a karate or judo club. You can imagine ama bosses being given a kick to put him on the ground. Make sure you have prepared a bubble bath with herbal salt in it. After grounding him to the floor, the good gesture would be to assist him with a good bath, apply vaseline sana pabody. Mwana respect out of fear will reign.
It is very sad to realise most LT readers fully support battering of women, for whatever reason as long as she is at fault. I was under the impression most of fellow bloggers are well learned, exposed and traveled people but posts like this usually remind me that I am wrong. Men, women are phyiscally smaller and weaker than you. When we talk about gender equal rights we do not imply headlocking, fist punching and tomb stones moves to find a champion among the s e x e s, NO! Equal rights is more of been given the same opportunites in our careers and education, to have the same voice in society as the men ie issues affecting our communites etc. I hope that clears the equal rights misunderstanding.
You have no right,NONE, ZERO, NIL, ZILCH, NADA to ever lay your hand on a woman. NONE
Firstly, it has to be acknowledged that “real” men do not beat women, and therefore your husband is a “lesser” man. He has self-esteem issues, especially that he beats you “for no resaon at all”, and will not become a “real” man overnight.
I was tempted to say that you organise a meeting with family elders from both sides, but sadly this cannot work. Proceed this way:
(i) report him to the police immediately. A warn and caution statement will be recorded but no jail time.
(ii) Prepare to leave him as soon as he gets physical with you again (80% chance he will).
You will have a police record to support your divorce.You sound like a sweet lady. Live well and be happy! That is how life should be.
Madam, sorry to read about your fate, but only you can change your situation for the better, sadly enough 90% of the zedian men beat their women in marriage or relationships, i have lost a girlfriend who was murdered by her husband in Zed, becuz of a jealousy (she was the bread winner, he was a loser)… most Zedian men i know are abusive to their wives and girlfriends, I just came back from Zed where i witnessed a case where a woman was attacked with a brick by her bfriend fracturing her bones, on N Years Eve the guy promised to came back for her after she’s discharged from hospital later to finish her off” Best is you leave the I. D.IOT.. wait for the right one to come along, move away from the area where he lives otherwise you will never get peace! Most marriages in are crap…
You cannot use words like obident in a marriage between two people. Obey who? Is your wife your slave who should walk on egg shells and obey your every command? a blogger is on about how the woman must hate her husband for having thoughts of wanting to hit him and that she is bad for him. Am sorry Mr blogger but I think you have missed the bit where she thinks about it and he actually beats her to a pulp. All the men jumping to the man’s side saying she must be provoking it are only exposing themselves- YOU ARE ALL LOSERS WHO ONLY GET ANY SENSE OF WORTH BY HUMILATING, DEGRADING AND ABSUING YOUR WIVES AND PARTNERS. YOU SHOULD HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME AND GROW SOME B A L L S. OR MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE HAVE YOU LOCKED UP SO YOU CAN BECOME SOMEONE’S WIFE AND GET
R A P E D EVERYNIGHT CUS THAT IS WHAT WIFE BASHERS DESERVE! I would strongly advise most male bloggers on this post to grow some balls, man up and take care of your families, not to take out your frustrations on someone’s daughter. If you have a problem you talk talk talk to your partner cus tht is what real men do, that is what a man of the house-the head of the house will do, a savage of the house will bash everyone who disobeys him. You are not even fit to lick the s h i t off the bottom of the women you batter you worthless pieces of *&*(&!!
I really do feel strongly about domestic abuse and get really p i s sed off when men try to excuse this behaviour. No one provkes you, you are a savage who needs help or go to jail and be r a p ed by other savages-SEE HOW YOU WILL LOVE THAT!
You know why he beats you. its called panel beating! if a cars panel gets bashed, it has to be panel beaten back to shape.
You are probably the dumbest gal ever. if he beats you once, he will beat you again, and again! He is probably the one with weak sperms ans as the result he feels insecure. You might need the who gang to make you happy, but you don’t need the whole world to tell you to leave him.
#65 you are so right about the jealousy. You can sense the resentment in most bloggers about her degree, some are even implying she deserves the beating as she is too big headed cus of her education? Are you serious? Who told you to be smoking chamba when your friends were studying?? Now you want to be resentful? These kind of people need to get over themselves.
Why do black men resent educated black women? Zambain men you need to step up your thinking. If you are a loser and your wife is hardworking, get inspired from her, it doesnt make you less of a man-it makes you scam to lift your hand becus of pety jealousy like she made u a failure in life!
Ba Moze ati shani…… Chamitwala ku Israel, nga nikwisa uko nomba 😮 Bwezani te wakukonkelesha.:)>-
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Seven years and only 2 children. Anyway, you need to leave the brute before he hacks you to death. Unless sister, in your heart of hearts, you know that you are the root cause! Whatever is the case beating is not the solution. You husband is a damn brute! Leave him and get on with your life. You must have something on the side, just in case(4 fimo fimo fye!). if you a so called “gradaute”, this is a simple matter.
Leigh, are you a graduate for real? What makes you think the advice you will receive from LT bloggers is going to resolve your marital problem? I am sure there are other channels you can use for such issues and LT bloggers is not one of them. Wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Wife bashing is unacceptable under any situation. The fact that men are generally stronger than women does not imply that we should exercise ‘physical’ authority over them. This is one element of our culture that needs to stop with our generation. What sort of children would you want to raise if you allow these children to grow up in such insecure and unstable homes. Communication and open dialogue are the key to any healthy relationship, be it personal or business. I wish this fine lady all the best and please do not bash him while he is sleeping!
imwe!!! beating is part of marriage.
And often the ladies deserve a beating.
this girl is just waisting our time.
stop doing whatever is making him beat you and he will stop beating you.
i dont think kalwupwa no kupwa ka shetani aka!!!!!!!
Dear Leigh,
I feel so devastated by the action your husband has taken and probably is as a result of pressure from some where . What type of people surround him? may be we start from there. Bad morals always corrupt good ones,let me know then will give the way forward. For the time being,God knows and understands you, proverbs 3:5.
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