LONG before the onset of the festivities, my fussy editor at The Past Newspapers dispatched me to Kawambwa, a rural enclave to sniff around for any captivating anecdotes we could share with our esteemed readers.
“I want something unique young man” his high-pitched voice exploded in the newsroom as fellow scribes pretended to be busy on their workstations. “Not the usual mundane stories about the by-elections…..something that will put a smile on our readers.”
And so…..one early morning, I found myself perambulating the streets of this sleepy town drinking in various scenes with keen interest – goats nibbling at waste material while horse playing, ducks marching in a single row, monkeys frolicking from one branch to another, two interlocked canines facing opposite directions as several others waited…..all this was boring for one with an eye for news such as myself. I wanted some real news!
As I got to the edge of the town, I came across a colourful banner declaring the prowess of a newly arrived wizard in town from Mozambik – eliminating political opponents, luring back lost lovers, passing exams and becoming a millionaire. Now that was exciting news!
As I reached for my notebook to get the contact details, I came alive to screeching wheels of a jalopy. Before I knew it, I was wrestled to the ground as masked muscular goons knotted my limbs as they systematically blindfolded me and gagged my mouth with stinking socks. In no time, I was bundled into the waiting vehicle left on idle and we were soon racing away from any semblance of civilization. This was an abduction, no doubt about it.
After bumbing into craters dotted all over the dirt road and negotiating sharp bends at a breakneck speed that would have made Lewis Hamilton proud for what seemed to be eternity; the vehicle was suddenly whipped to a corner before slamming to a halt.
They literally air-lifted me and dumped me on what seemed like a Persian carpet. The room was dense with the pungent smell of fwaka yachingoni.
“Unfold him!” a slurred voice mumbled, nonchalantly.
I was utterly dumbstruck. He was perched on a throne-like sofa in his usual posture – legs astride as he lazily munched dried roasted imilonge. A bottle of his favourite Jameson waited on a side table. In the meantime, a sizeable forest cobra recoiled itself from one of his pockets and deposited itself on his laps. He continued gulping copious amounts of his Jameson oblivious of the new arrival.
As my eyes scanned the room further, I was shocked to see a septuagenarian in his birthday suits save for loin clothes concealing his essentials. He dexterously mixed a concoction of charms in a black calabash while chanting incoherently as a somewhat heavily pregnant chameleon playfully oscillated on his head.
“May I’ve the snake now,” the wizard chortled as his scarlet eyes glowed excitedly. “It’s time to do the needful….”
“You’re missing the point!” Chagwa snapped at him. “This kapyopyo that wastes time writing about me isn’t our target; it’s Kachema. I can’t be coughing-out millions for nothing…..”
There was an occasional subtle exchange of glances. As if on cue, I was suddenly violently extracted from the floor and dragged outside.
“Feed him to the crocodiles in the Chembe river!”
I screamed and woke up with a start. I was sweating profusely as I looked around our dull lit bedroom.
“What is it?” My wife asked as she stretched herself involuntarily.
One of those usual nightmares. I was soon drifting away into slumber.
Prince Bill M Kaping’a
Political/Social Analyst
Your hatred for the man will one day send you into a severe stroke.
Or a mental Institution
Very boring article again but obviously from an extremely idle mind trying to gain recognition from people who are no longer recognised by the hungry Zambians
These are even articles that needed to be moderated and should not even reach serious readers. I read only a few lines and I could discern that it was a hollow thing
Is this news or a pitch for a novel?
One unable to distinguish the two will think all that is written here is fact.
Sad that we dont have editors and owners of such platforms who profit from “click bait” and sell what they want to suggest is news. Any attempt to slap on the wrist, or form a regulated association is greeted with all manner of cries of injustice. Just so people can peddle this drivel as news and ba Konkonomalimba a former Zambia Daily journalist, can copy paste articles and sell them as news.
Lawd have mercy on us….
If you are trying to emulate roy Clarke, then you are failing miserably.
Ugh! So trite and childish!