By Vanessa Lungu
I have spent most of my 30 something years speaking English with no trouble at all.After all Zambians are one of the most eloquent English speakers on the continent.So when I started teaching my 6 year old daughter to read English I expected it to be a breeze-till her teacher gave her the following text from the internet to read.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP…When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so……..it is time to shut UP!
Nice article
Clarity of thought decoded and then sounded.
you are single handedly the most articulate journalist in Zambias entire media body!! Please, write all our article from now on because Zambian journalists understanding of the English language/grammar is PATHETIC!!!
I would like to know what school your child goes to because no sane teacher can give six year olds these types of sentences. I know you are trying to make a point about English but you don’t need to lie about your child coming home with such questions. Just teach the child nyanja and she will be set for life.
#4 Boza gee get over yourself ! just because the only book you read was Mulenga and Jelita, you think kids of nowadays can’t read well?
The best and highly educative thing written in a long time instead of those crooks always talking about President FTJ!
Imwe ba ‘Boza naimwe’ mumakamba boza naimwe? Wait till your six year old starts going to school kapena simuzakamba ‘Boza naimwe’!
Nice one! I would send my child to that school! :)
oh puliz…I’ve just signed UP for LT and no one seems to shut UP!! Wuss UP with that?!
Cadre and Jojo, Don’t try to act like you know anything. Simple logic will tell you that children at 6 years old are learning basic grammar and barely beginning to string logical sentences together. Exposing your limited intelligence in public is dangerous my friends. Like I said, tell me the school this child goes to before you start yapping like sightless chickens
Ba Vanessa bushe elo mwa wa “ichisungu! ??”
…and I’ve always wondered why they say “next DOOR neighbour” instead of “next house/home neighbour”!!!
#10 Boza- basic grammar at 6 years.My friend they do that in baby class these days! Drive down to st Marys in Lusaka and get a 6 yr old to read for you,if you think I’m lying.Lets see who is the yappy sightless chicken- that doesn’t even make sense! Did you ever study English grammar?
Lusakatimes who are you trying to fool with a plagiarised article. WE know your journalists with exception to a few type poor english as if they never read Gateway to grade 7. This articl has been on the internet for years. This is not journalism it’s copy and past’ism which seems to be prevalent with zambian journalist. Miss Vanessa Lungu try to come up with your own work next time.
For the love of God, there is no need to quarrel about this article. If you subscribe to a descent joke site, they would have emailed you this article a long time ago. Ms Lungu would have done well to cite her source, because it all didn’t come from her head!
Ok let us all walk the walk.lol
Word UP and what’s UP.Good article for sure.
I enjoyed reading this article again but I think Vanessa should have given credit to the source – I have read it before on other media.
This is new stuff for some pipo. This article has been around on the net for some time. It’s good though to read it again.
i have cut it UP and pasted it DOWN!
for my 6 year younger son.
well,.. the article is good, but its a lie that such sentences where given to 6 year old kid!!!
The idea is not original but the writing is. I dont believe she plagiarized.
The idea is not original but the writing is. I don’t believe she plagiarized.
English is not complicated. Its just that when you move from place to place, you will find that it has been modified and reformatted to fit the local language and culture.
Vanessa should also learn to cite her work, otherwise it is called Plagiarism
Vanessa, good artical but i know exactly which site you got that UP—- UP word from.Copy and paste is common among zambian journalists.LT is a good a example.
I’m confused who plegarised -the teacher who gave the text to Vanessas daughter or Vanessa.Seems to me Vanessa has shown us the text the teacher gave her kid.
All languages are like that. In Bemba “Mwabomba” can mean you have worked or you are soaked depending on the intonation.
UP is an ambiguous word….
# 3 zambian > the answer is that our present folks of journalists where trained in the Chiluba regime when exams papers and answer sheets were sold to them by teachers or people from examination council of zambia >> corruptly >>>
It’s either we’ve been invaded by too many kids on LT or its the drunks. Instead of appreciating what Vanassa has brought UP especially as it seems to me she spent considerable time writing this article, PHDs are already washing it down plagiarism blah blah blah….. have a life and just enjoy variety.
A good read but clearly copied and pasted like I am gonna do. Next time name the sources.
In Bemba naisa, could mean I will be right back.It is taken in a context.Try mailo
Wow…I just googled this text…is LT sure they want this level of plagiarism on here???
As a linguist, I had seen this set of sentences in 2005. These sentences have been circulatinfg on the internet since then. The set of sentences was posted by a linguist from an unknown author.
Amusing piece of lecture. I have also come accross a few of those mind-boggling sentences and could add a few more to the list. However, what everyone ought to know about languages in general is that there is a perculiarity in the way that people communicate with each other. This has something to do with the biblical confusion at the Babel when the Almighty interrupted the plans of mankind to exhalt himself to heights where he does not belong.
And if you think English is hard, then you haven’t tried to learn German…
Not to steal your thunder, I remember coming across a lot of these a few years ago. There are a few you missed which I still remember like: Why is it we park in a drive-way but drive on a park-way? If the plural for mouse is mice, louse is lice, why can’t the plural for house be hice? etc etc. I dispute the point that Zambians are very good at English. They simply are not. Just look at how many can’t finish a sentence in English in any of the postings in this paper.
But this very article is from an email forward and not an original piece. Can we not encourage plaigarism please or, Vanessa Lungu, as a journalist please give credit where credit is due. Brilliant piece nonetheless.
Reads like a plagiarised article and one i have read before. If i search hard enough i will find it on google. I wish i could find the anti plagiarism software we used at University, it will show us for sure the source. Trouble is i have no time.
Zambian journalists are not the most of critical writers.
It sure is difficult, thats why you failed to spell doers as in you wrote does.
#37 you are right thats why her 14th comment has an error, let her check her english
lol she should also read on “PHRASAL VERBS”
and “IDIOMS”
English? So what? Who cares?
Let’s master our Lozi, our Kaonde, Lamba, Tumbuka, Lunda, etc.
Forget fiZungu vao!
#41 Padre….how cn u criticize d “english” languge in “english”?????? u are the people that bring about topics contrary and irrelevant to the matter at hand.